Airline Insecurity

I am not so rash as to suggest that we put guns into the hands of your typical airline passenger, who is typically already on edge from having to show photo ID every ten steps on the way to the airplane, and ticked off about having his shoes searched for explosives, and may have steadied his insulted nerves with several adult beverages before boarding. No, no, I would suggest a much more basic form of self protection, and one which many Americans learned to handle as boys and girls. I am speaking of course of the venerable Louisville Slugger. As a weapon, it is simple to operate, very safe (how many accidental beatings do you hear about ?), and requires minimal training for an operator. I suggest that, upon arriving at the airport, each passenger be issued a baseball bat (hickory, not aluminum), and allowed to carry this handy utensil throughout their trip.

Imagine a group of terrorists standing up and announcing that they are taking over the plane only to be met with a rustling sound as bats were removed from their handy canvas covers, and the peculiar clanking sound of bats knocking together as passengers take a few practice swings in close quarters. In the confined space of the economy class passenger cabin, the swing of the bat would be limited to say, a drag bunt; still painful and intimidating; and with enough people pecking away at the terrorist, eventually disabling. The real action would be closer to the cockpit, in First Class, where there is almost enough room for a full swing. The bad guys would never make it to the cockpit door.

In addition to the obvious deterrent to terrorists and hijackers in the passenger cabin, this solution has many attractive side benefits, including the probability of drastically improved airline customer service, with ticket agents serving passengers with alacrity and new-found courtesy; with every effort being expended to ensure customer satisfaction. Likewise, the boarding and security screening processes could be reduced to a simple walk through metal detectors as in the old days. There is also no doubt that cabin service would also improve, with stewardesses sprinting down the aisles to insure customer needs are met. With a cabin full of bat-wielding passengers, I bet the incidence of unscheduled layovers, and long delays on the runway will almost cease to exist. This change might even improve airline food.

Dinner Conversations - Cat wrappers

Around our dinner table, conversations sometimes take bizarre excursions. The other night, the discussion turned to allergies, then specifically allergic reactions to cats. My two daughters and my wife are all susceptible to allergic reactions from cat dander. Why they do this, I do not know, since the result seems akin to handling rattlesnakes, but when any of the ladies pick up, carry, or even pet any one of our six cats, within mere minutes, they develop itchy red watering eyes, asthma-like breathing difficulty, and itching skin (the ladies, not the cats).

Now it was never my vision to own six cats, but they accumulated gradually over the years, like scum in a sewer pipe. I used to like cats, when we had one, or even two, before I was subjected to an overabundance. I have learned during my cat-owning tenure that not only are felines adept at avoiding mortal situations, but their longevity can be extended practically forever by the application of increasingly expensive diets, supplements, and medical procedures. We have established quite a portfolio of dietary and medical investment in our cats. An elderly orange tabby specimen we recently snatched back from the brink by the leaving large monetary offerings at the vets office showed her appreciation by promptly disappearing. She probably found one of the neighbors provided meals more to her liking.

In any case, as we were winding dinner down, I suggested that a good way for the ladies to reduce their cat dander reactions would be to encase the cats in plastic; either a reusable Saran wrap-like leotard, or a more permanent application of clear Krylon spray. My suggestion was met by loud and indignant reactionary rejection. I still think it has some merit, if marketed properly, perhaps as a raincoat, or a flea and tick asphyxiator, or other application purported to protect the precious cat.

I am going to work on this idea, and will probably need some test subjects, if you have any stray or surplus furry candidates to offer. I will also need a lab assistant, since I for one never touch cats except with my shoes.