Airline Insecurity

I am not so rash as to suggest that we put guns into the hands of your typical airline passenger, who is typically already on edge from having to show photo ID every ten steps on the way to the airplane, and ticked off about having his shoes searched for explosives, and may have steadied his insulted nerves with several adult beverages before boarding. No, no, I would suggest a much more basic form of self protection, and one which many Americans learned to handle as boys and girls. I am speaking of course of the venerable Louisville Slugger. As a weapon, it is simple to operate, very safe (how many accidental beatings do you hear about ?), and requires minimal training for an operator. I suggest that, upon arriving at the airport, each passenger be issued a baseball bat (hickory, not aluminum), and allowed to carry this handy utensil throughout their trip.

Imagine a group of terrorists standing up and announcing that they are taking over the plane only to be met with a rustling sound as bats were removed from their handy canvas covers, and the peculiar clanking sound of bats knocking together as passengers take a few practice swings in close quarters. In the confined space of the economy class passenger cabin, the swing of the bat would be limited to say, a drag bunt; still painful and intimidating; and with enough people pecking away at the terrorist, eventually disabling. The real action would be closer to the cockpit, in First Class, where there is almost enough room for a full swing. The bad guys would never make it to the cockpit door.

In addition to the obvious deterrent to terrorists and hijackers in the passenger cabin, this solution has many attractive side benefits, including the probability of drastically improved airline customer service, with ticket agents serving passengers with alacrity and new-found courtesy; with every effort being expended to ensure customer satisfaction. Likewise, the boarding and security screening processes could be reduced to a simple walk through metal detectors as in the old days. There is also no doubt that cabin service would also improve, with stewardesses sprinting down the aisles to insure customer needs are met. With a cabin full of bat-wielding passengers, I bet the incidence of unscheduled layovers, and long delays on the runway will almost cease to exist. This change might even improve airline food.